


It's Not Living (If It's Not With You)

by debushim



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 03:57:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17994401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/debushim/pseuds/debushim
Summary: We were meant to be. At least that was what we thought. After three years, Younghyun is back in my life. Back for a day. There was nothing left to do but to make the most out of it.





	It's Not Living (If It's Not With You)

Loving you. 

It is not a trivial question. 

Sipping my second cup of coffee while reading a book about some alternative world, then he came to me. Again. For the second time. He was wearing a dark blue button-down, white pants, and office shoes. It was not a question whether I should welcome him to the table. Back in my life. But, there was a slight doubt that the only reason he was because I got transfigured to the book that I was reading. Is this another fiction with the last words leaving me with an empty feeling than when I didn’t have it in my life?

“You’re back.” 

His first words. Three words. Two if you didn’t count the contraction. It was more of a question than a statement. It meant more than the fact that I am back in the same land where he is. Where I used to be. For me, it meant ‘are you back for good?’ 

“I suppose so,” I replied.

I was never sure of things. It was partly the reason why things ended. But in my defense, things would always have to end. Forever is just a buzz word. It should not mean anything. 

For whatever was his reason for going inside the cafe, it was all forgotten. He was sitting across from me in the veranda, amazement still befalling on his face. 

“How long have you been here?” 

He sat a little more comfortable, his long legs crossed touching the top of the table. It was time to put the book down. Time to engage in a much more demanding fiction setting right before my eyes. For he was a dream. That is what he is. At least in this lifetime wherein, we were meant to be each other’s shadow. Something always almost graspable. 

“A week. I’ve been trying to live like I used to.” 

“That’s hard. Your life before was life with me.” 

He has been always tacky. It’s one of the things I love about him. He knows my thoughts far more than myself that I only need to supply him with the littlest information for him to understand what’s in my head. I was never really sure what’s in my head. Or what I want. He was always doing those for me. 

“Would you like to do that again? Live life with me.” 

I inched my faced closer my palm supporting my chin. It was a bold move. Something to stun him to mask my desperation. That was a trick question. 

“And how long do you see us doing that? Three months? A year? 5 years maybe?” 

Younghyun has gotten braver. This time I couldn’t tell if his curiosity was out of spite or just pure wonder. 

“Would it matter how long? Anyways, I heard about your cute friend. She seems, nice.” 

It was a fight or flight response. I’d rather not hear his rejection of my offer. I’d rather talk about another person. A flight response. Weak but effective. 

“Yes, it would matter. Gravely. Don’t ever mention her again. She’s not like others. Ayeon is nice.”

“You mean she’s not me.” 

His defensiveness towards this Ayeon is getting boring. He always ends up finding nice girls that would make me hate myself for not being them. Why was I not born in this world to be full of love? Maybe then, I wouldn’t have a problem of being with him. 

“The only time you’re not nice is when we talk about my girlfriends.” 

He laughs. I couldn’t help but feel more annoyed at him. I want to throw my coffee on his button down. 

“Come on. Let’s get out of here.” 

He stood up making the metal chairs squeak. Back in my face already heading for the door, as if he was sure I would follow him. The thing is, I did. I would. Always. 

The city could only offer us with noise. It wasn’t like we were back in Paris where things have a concept of romance. Where we are foreign to all their customs, gestures, and languages. Where the feeling was the world was ours. Seoul offered a weird sense of familiarity. A little more annoying that I would like to say. It was like a relative you’re supposed to love no matter how much you hate it. Seoul demanded it to be known, to be understood, and to be cared for. Bounded by responsibilities and tradition. The world isn’t ours. We are just part of it like we’re part of many other things. Things we’d rather not be a part of. 

Younghyun took my hand like it was his to take. Maybe it was. Maybe I have really transcended into another universe where we could be together. He was leading me to the residential part of the city and I knew where he was planning to go when we reached a tunnel. I pulled his hand back to remind him of me. That we were in my dream, not his. He looked back with a worried face.

“I don’t want to go to Hangang. I want France. Let’s go to Paris!” 

I let my delusions consume me. Life without him? I have not known such a life. If we were to stay one last time I need to tell him that we were in my fantasy. It was my dream we were fulfilling not his. 

“Okay. Let’s go to France.” 

It wasn’t like he had time on his hands or that we were capable of going on such short notice. But he said yes. He always says yes to things like this. So we both rode a train him with a determined face and me worrying about where we were headed. Still, our hands were interlocked. Tightly now that we were seated on the train. I rest my head on his shoulders as this could be the last time. 

It wasn’t difficult to predict where we’re going when we arrived at the station.

“Namiseom? It’s still not France.” 

“I know. Let’s just take a detour before we go to France.”

“You know, the water here is still from the Hangang.” 

“Yes, but, this is better than Seoul isn’t it?” 

It was in the rows of trees and the bustle of the tourists that he told me how he has been. How his life has been without me that is. Ayeon was from work. Younghyun met her from a project they had to do together. It wasn’t difficult to fall for Younghyun. The man was born like he knew the secrets of the universe. He can do anything, charm anyone, yet still not be suspected of being not human. 

From his stories, it doesn’t feel that hard to him to fall for her too. I was amazed at how Younghyun can find his nice girls. My end of the stick is all jerks. There are rude single ones, and the kind taken ones who flirt which is just another level of jerkiness. Despite the reassurance I feel that he can live independently without me, there’s always a pang in my chest that the twinkle in his eyes wasn’t because of me. At least not anymore. 

“What is she doing now?”

“I don’t know” he laughed. “She’s probably learning seafood recipes because I like it.” 

“How sweet of her.” I couldn’t help the spite lacing my words. “Are you ever going to introduce me to her?” 

“Don’t be crazy.” He said, a stern expression forming on his face. “That would break her heart. She’ll know it’s you.” 

“So you told her about me?”  
“She asked if there were relevant people in my life she should know about.” 

I wrinkled my nose. “She doesn’t sound that nice to me.” 

 

The sun was setting. The orange tints were taking over the blues. For a second it would be beautiful. There would be warmth. Then darkness will come again and the cold would creep in chilling the heart, the nerves, and the bones. Orange. It was like our love. For a small part of the day, we take over our lives to be what we want. Beautiful is what it is. But it was ephemeral. The colors would fight and there would be darkness. Our time will be done. It always comes to an end.

Once again, our hands found their way to each other. We rode the bus this time. The path of air from lungs to lungs, bodies to bodies, was in perfect consonance. Silence befall us and for the first time, it felt too calm. I wonder what you’re thinking. Is it about us or are thinking about how she’s doing? I have always been too stubborn to think that another person could fill him up as I would. I never knew that there would come a time when I would feel worried about leaving him again because he finally has some place to be. I’m worried he’d like it there better than here with me. That home was not with our eye smiles and lazy kisses, or half empty bottles of wine. That I no longer hold the key to his heart. I am merely an empty cage. A useless piece of an artifact for embellishment. 

The bus came to a halt. I looked out the window and saw France. I could see the Eiffel Tower in bright yellow lights. Somehow, he made it happen. I could help but giggle at how he always makes my delusions come true. Moments like this, I would always think how his too good to be true.

I hopped out of the bus still in amazement of this small faux-city of France. I could feel his happy sigh that was concluded with the way he hugged my back tightly. Younghyun rested his head on my neck then proceeded to nuzzle his nose on the top of my head. 

“I love you.” He whispered. This time our temples met. We were swaying like people in love staring at the small tower of lights illuminating the village. 

I couldn’t help but shed a tear. This will be over before I could say ‘I love you’ back. 

 

We were in fake France, sitting on top of each other looking at the fake Eiffel Tower from afar being in love. In genuine love. 

“I don’t get it,” I said weaving and unweaving our fingers. 

He moved his head to look at me. 

“You don’t get what?” 

“I don’t get how I can be madly in love with you.”

“Does one need a reason to love?” 

Younghyun always the ‘love deeply or not love at all’ person. This, this was one of his side effects. Younghyun was always too big on the concept of love and it scares the hell out of me. I was never the small cozy apartment or the family sized suburban house. I was a summer cottage meant for grand things that never actually happened. Even my mom could attest that I wasn’t a loving child. But Younghyun, he was Sunday mornings playing with the kids at the park, lazy afternoon naps, and oven burnt flour faced kisses. He still is. I was born flawed with love to ever give it back, to ever love myself enough. 

“I need a reason.” I broke our fetal position to look at him in the eyes. His orbs are looking back at me, iris down the slit of his slanted eyes. There is something about the way his eyes are crafted and my lips were carved. His orbs are like the moon, pulling my lips into a smile.

“We must have been tracking each other down in every lifetime. It’s the only plausible explanation for why I feel a cosmic tenderness for you. It’s like my soul knows you the moment our eyes met.” 

“Then why can’t we be together in this lifetime then? If I’ve loved you greatly before. If I will love you greater than today, why can’t we be in love?” 

“Are we not in love already? Are we not together now?” 

“But we won’t be together tomorrow or the following days after that. We won’t be in love again in the same way, with the same depth, at the same time as we are now. Why did we have to meet each other then?” 

“Because loving you in one lifetime isn’t enough. No matter where I’m born and who I’ll be, I will always love you.”

“If that’s the case, I don’t want to wake up tomorrow or any other day after that. I want to be in our next lifetime already so that I can be with you. I love you so much that it hurts my heart. I don’t think I can live like this anymore.”

“Don’t be crazy. We traded a lifetime of love for eternal love. We’ll be together soon enough.” 

“Promise me you’ll never love anyone as much as you love me.”

“I promise.” 

Younghyun was looking at me with a glint in his eyes. It was a small flicker shinning but it was enough for me to know what’s inside his heart, who’s inside his mind. 

 

I closed my book down because I had enough fiction for the day. The sun was rising again this time the orange dissipating. Back in the city where it was too early for life to start. We were at the corner cafe where we were earlier. Where we met three years ago. He was looking for a place to study and I had the only table with an empty seat. He asked me if we met before, before even saying hi, or borrowing a chair. Those were our first words to each other.

Now, three years after in the same place, at the same time I’ll say my last words. 

“Take care of Ayeon okay? She deserves a lot of love.” 

“You don’t have to tell me that.” 

“Don’t ever make her feel insecure.” 

“I know.”  
“Invite me to your wedding okay?”

“Only if you won’t attend.” He smiled but his eyes were telling me everything. 

“I’ll see you again.” 

“I’ll be better in our other life.” 

“Idiot! 

I love you.” I whispered and the magic has worn off. 

 

Being with you.

It shouldn’t have been a trivial question.

**Author's Note:**

> The narrator is genderless mostly because of the POV I used. For what's it's worth I had a girl in mind while writing the draft but I edited some stuff out and decided to let your imagination run free.


End file.
